Relationship Help for Guys

Real advice to help regular guys blast through their relationship problems

When do I tell her I love her?

5 minutes

When a guy is in love, at some point he will want to let that special girl know. Figuring out when to say it can be difficult. And there are a few things you should definitely know before saying you love her.

Beware: men and women love differently!

Read this very carefully. Healthy relationships are generally considered to be an exchange of love. This is the romantic ideal. When two people love each other, everything should be good right? Well, unfortunately not. The reality is "love" means different things for men and women.

Guys generally love women based on who that woman is to him. Her appearance, her personality, her femininity; all play a role to different extents. When a guy says he loves a girl, it normally means that he would give her everything he can, maybe even his life, to keep her safe and protected. His love is based on what he can give to her.

On the other hand, a woman loves a guy only when he is meeting all of her needs. It's based primarily on what he does for her. Not who he is. He has to meet her emotional needs for comfort and strength. So when a woman says "I love you", it means she is receiving everything she needs from you. Her love is based on what she gets from you.

She doesn't need your love to love you

So what does this all mean? The key point is this: a woman doesn't need your love to be in love with you. Yup. So telling her you love her doesn't have much influence on how she feels about you. It just signals to her what you are willing to give to her.

She only wants love from a guy she loves

She may still want to hear those magic words, but only from a guy she loves. If she loves you, she believes she can get her needs fulfilled by you. She wants you to love her so that you stick around and keep fulfilling those needs.

If she doesn't love you, she doesn't believe you can give her what she needs. So declaring your love will more likely push her away. It's like a homeless guy telling you he can make you rich. You know he has nothing to give you, so his words are meaningless to you.

Wait for her to say she loves you first

So, your love only has value if she values it. If she wants your love, she will let you know by telling you that she loves you. So if you want to tell her you love her, wait for her to say it first. This way you know for sure that she wants to hear you say it.

You don't really need to say it

Earlier I said that she doesn't need your love to love you. So you telling her you love her won't change her love for you. It might make her anxious or uncertain if you don't say it out loud, but if she really loves you, and she has the relationship she wants, she probably won't risk pressuring you for fear of losing you.

Your actions mean more than your words

She will pay far more attention to your actions than your words. If you treat her well and show that you love her through your behaviour around her, she will be satisfied that you love her, and she won't need to hear it from you.

It's better to say it less than she does

Here's the problem. Your love is based on what you give. Generally, people value what is rare and harder to get. This is especially true when it comes to women and love. So if you are constantly giving her your love, in her eyes your love is cheap because it's so readily available. She will value it less. She will love you less as a result. Too much love will literally make her love you less.

So, in order for your love to be high value to her, give it less it often. Make it rarer to come by. Basically, tell her you love her less than she says it to you. She will appreciate this more. She'll realise that you're a man who doesn't just love anybody. This will have the added benefit of making her feel special, because you have chosen to give your "valuable" love to her.

Say it only when you mean it

Lots of people will gladly declare their love if it helps them get their way in an argument or out of an argument entirely. Only tell her you love her when you actually mean it, this will make it far more valuable to her.

Summary

A man in love will want to let his girl know how much she means to him. However, telling her you love her may not mean what you think it means.