Relationship Help for Guys

Real advice to help regular guys blast through their relationship problems

Why doesn't my girlfriend seem interested in me anymore?

7 minutes

In the beginning of a relationship, you may be taken aback by how interested your girlfriend is in you. She'll want to spend as much time with you as she can and will be excited doing so. This must be love. But as time goes by, you may realise one day that she just doesn't seem interested anymore. Why is this?

Know when she's interested

When a girl is falling in love, her feelings will be running high. And she will attach those feelings to you. She won't be able to help but express herself through her actions. She will smile when she sees you, message you everyday, want to hug you, want to do things with you (even if they are just mundane tasks), want to touch you, want to make you happy, be concerned about your emotional well-being. In essence, she won't be able to get enough of you. This behaviour in itself will make you love her more. And you may come to expect it to be her normal behaviour. It's important to recognise how she acts in this state so that you can compare it with her current behaviour.

Know when she's uninterested

When she's not interested, you will no longer be a point of focus for her. She will be indifferent to you. She won't care about talking with you, she won't care about making plans without you, she won't care about your needs or opinions. Your gut will probably tell you something isn't right. She will seem cold and distant. She will probably criticise or nag you more often. She will treat you more like a friend than a lover. She may even recoil when you touch her and avoid intimacy. The contrast in her behaviour is stark.

The relationship goes from high to low

Most relationships start high and end low. The beginning is usually the most emotional and exciting part. She may shower you with love, so much so that you feel overwhelmed. But as time goes on, she loses attraction for you and so she loses interest entirely. Eventually she may not love you in the same way at all. This is how most relationships seem to develop.

Comfort kills her interest

Women are emotional beings. They love the feeling of being in love. They love feelings in general. A new relationship is full of emotional ups and downs as you try to figure each other out, attraction grows and tension builds. The problem is, once it's been determined that you both like each other, the excitement starts to wane. You become more comfortable. Emotions settle. You become familiar and predictable to each other. Things just aren't as interesting for her as they once were. Comfort is boring to her.

She takes her emotional cues from the guy

Here's the thing. Women generally take their emotional cues from the guys they are in a relationship with. Their feelings are a response to the guy's behaviour. So it is a guy that leads the emotional state of the relationship. However most guys don't realise this!

Guys don't realise the huge influence that their behaviour has on their girlfriend. In fact it is critical to prevent things from becoming too comfortable and boring. Because guys aren't conscious of this, they don't realise how their behaviour is changing and how their relationship is suffering as a result.

Guys go from cool to boring

In the beginning of most relationships, guys are often confident and excited about getting a girlfriend. They might date her, take her out, have fun, do various activities. The key here is not that he is doing things, but that he is leading things. He wants to do stuff for his own enjoyment and wants to bring his girlfriend along. This is the exciting behaviour that girls love.

However, once the guy actually gets the girl, things start to change, often slowly and imperceptibly. He might relax a little. He might be less interested in doing stuff with her because he feels he has "won her over". Slowly he stops putting in the same effort. He gets comfortable.

The problem is, she starts getting comfortable as a direct result. You're no longer the leader of life you once were, the guy that she was attracted to. Soon she starts nagging you, hoping you will return to being that cool guy.

By this time men often defer their decision making to their girlfriends as well. They end up following her lead. Doing whatever she wants to try and please her. But women hate this. She doesn't want to lead you around like a mother does with a child. She loses interest in you. And her attitude towards you changes.

Focus on yourself to get her interest

So if you want to get her interested again you have to start behaving like you once did. Like the attractive guy with direction. You have to put yourself first and start leading your own life again. Bring her along with you and she will start to become interested again. She will start to love you again. Most long term relationship problems are a result of the guy losing his direction in life. But this happens so slowly you don't realise.

You don't have to "spice things up"

At this point, a lot of mainstream dating advice might recommend that you actively try to spice things up in your relationship to rekindle that interest. Perhaps you should organise date nights. Or try new things in the bedroom.

The problem with this is that it is addressing the symptoms not the cause. She needs to be interested in you, not the things you do. She will be just as excited on a trip to the grocery store with you if you have the right leadership and purpose. Romance and excitement follow from that. It can't be backward engineered from dates. Especially if you're just going on them specifically in an attempt to win her over again. You need to be doing stuff that you genuinely want to do and having fun with her because you want to. Your intention must be genuine and based on your own desires, not on trying to please.

A sudden loss of interest could mean there's someone else

If everything was going well in your relationship, and she lost interest all of a sudden, this should be ringing alarm bells. The most likely reason for this is that she has become attracted to someone else. This may be because things weren't as good as you think, so she looked for the excitement elsewhere. Or maybe someone else came along who she believes can provide those feelings better than you can, so her interest has flipped to him. Be wary in this situation. If you want to get her interest back, the solution is still the same.

Summary

Girls get bored quickly in relationships if the guy loses his direction in life. Most guys don't realise the influence that their behaviour has on the relationship and often change slowly over time. They go from being confident and at the helm, to pleasing and indecisive. They key to maintaining her interest is staying in control of your life and bring that confident guy she fell for.